How Many
by TakaraHamato
Summary: One-shot. Raphael and Donatello pairing. Yes, I totally ship this couple. Don't like don't read! Sequel follow up later on...READ! Warning: Character death, allusions of T-cest and foul language. (AKA: Raph's mouth) Do not read if any of the above offends you. Please read and review. Any and all reviews welcome.


**AN: Hey guys, just a quick heads up this story does contain illusions of T-CEST, as well as foul language and character death. If any of the above offends you in any way please do not continue reading!**

**I DO NOT OWN TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM! If I did it would not be child appropriate! XD**

**This is a Raph/Donnie fic, please review or be awesome and Fav! **

Text (Present) _Text (__Past)(Thoughts)_

* * *

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Pretty cliche' question right, like the beggining of some stupid joke or some shit. Well for the Hamato clan its' a serious question. A question that should have a simple answer...

_You couldn't be more wrong._

Raphael stood outside the now dark room of the lab. His palms were ice cold as he fought an internal war with himself. In his hand he held a light bulb, more precisley, he held a lightbulb that went into Donatellos' main lab light. As he stared at the empty, dark room he could feel nausea sweep over him once more...it shouldn't be this hard.

The low, blaring hum of the machinery echoing throughout the lair, so loud yet so quiet without their master to guide them. No one there to create a new experiment or blow something up. No turtle genuis to scare them all when something explodes inside the lab.

_It had been months ago. In a single night the Hamato clan had been torn apart..._

_Their master, and Father, Splinter had been having problems with his heart. Constant check-ups and new medicines had done nothing for the old rat, no matter what they tried nothing worked. As the weeks passes the condition only worsened...until one night..._

Raph continued to stare at the darkness before him as his mind wandered. The memories continued to assult him as they rushed through his mind. Vivid images of what had transpired that night..._every last one..._

_"Master!" Leo cried out as Splinter hit the floor of the dojo, clutching his chest and gasping for breath. Donnie had rushed in alongside Raph, taking note of the scene before switching into doctor mode. All four of the brothers had gathered around their sensei as he held on to life as hard as he could._

_"Donnie what's wrong with him!?" Raph cried out, taking note of how shallow Splinters breathing was. Donnie haden't responded to him. He just continued to take notes in his head as he looked his patient over...keeping track of how spread out his breaths were..._

_Until there were no more..._

Each of them had always thought about what life would be like without the great rat master there to guide them, but never once did they truly believe they would loose him. With the heart problems it seemed inevitable...

Didn't make it any easier.

_"No...No! No! No! M-Master please!" Donnie begged softly while preforming CPR, giving large gulps of air to their father as he tried to resuscitate him. Leo his Mikey's face in his arms while covering his head. This was not something their baby brother could watch..._

_"Sensei! Come on breathe! P-please breathe!" Donnie screamed as he continued to beat on the rats chest, not caring if he broke ribs anymore. Raph stood beside Splinter as he watched Donnie beat on his chest, desperate to bring him back. _

A massive heart attack. There was no possible way Donatello could have saved him no matter how hard he tried...

At the time it haden't mattered though, it didn't matter that Donnie had done his best. All that mattered was that he'd _failed. _Their father was dead...and all Raph could do was blame the one who had failed to save him.

_"It wasen't your fault Donnie-boy...it was never your fault" _he thought, already fighting the tears threatening to fall.

Raphael cursed himself over and over again in his mind, knowing that everything that happened after their master was gone was his fault. His anger had gotten the best of him...

Donnie was not the one to blame...

_"But I was too fuckin' blind ta see that" _he cursed as he thought back to the events that followed. There was no way he could have known what the results of his actions would be. He could still plainly remember the way he threw himself at his gentle brother, ready to rip him apart.

Oh god, the bruises he'd left on him...

_"This is your fault Don! Fucking genuis and you let him die! You let our father die!"_

_He didn't remember hitting or even grabbing Donnie, but one minute he was on his knees beside their fallen master, and the next he had Don pinned to the floor with his hands around his neck. He could feel Leo and Mikey trying to fight him off, desperate to remove him from their brother. All he remembered was anger..._

_Rage._

_Blind. Uncontroled. Rage_

He never meant to hurt his Donnie-boy like that. He never meant for any of his brothers to get hurt...esspecially not the one he loved.

_The pain had been too much to handle for him, so he left the lair. Ran off towards the surface. _

He couldn't say what led him to that particular rooftop that night. Hell he didn't even know how far he'd ran until he returned to the lair hours later, but somehow he'd wound up miles from home...and he had no idea he was being followed.

He had no idea that Donatello would be the one to find him.

Nor could he have ever imagined what happened next.

_Raphael could feel eyes watching him as he paced the rooftop, momentarily stopping to catch his breath. If Leo had followed him the fearless leader would be in for one hell of a fight-_

_"Raph?"_

_Shit. What the fuck is HE doin' here!? Quickly turning his back on his brother he tried to qwell the fury in his mind, quieting the voices screaming at him to take vengence, to let his weapon draw blood tonight. _

_"Raphael?"_

_"Your fault" he whispered furiously, shaking with pent up emotions. This was all HIS fault! _

Rage had driven his actions that night, as well as his tounge. The things he'd said to Donnie still hurt him...

Things that, even if his love were still here, he would have never been forgiven for. Things he could never take back...

_"Your supposed to be the fuckin' so called brains a' the family! You fix everything but y-you-YOU let him DIE! Our father is dead because of you Donatello! You Let Him Die!"_

He'd lunged at him. Donnie never even saw the attack coming...or maybe he did. One minute his sais had been sheathed at his sides, the next they were slicing through his brothers' arm.

_"Damn bastard wouldn't even fight back...goddammit Donnie-boy why didn't you fight back!" _he screamed to his subconcious. Maybe if the he had fought back-maybe he'd still b-be-

_"He's gone cause' a me..." _he thought solumly, gripping the bulb tightly in his hand, enough that the glass began to crack. This was just too much for him. To even step foot into Donn-

_"Dammit. Why the fuck did I leave him behind!" _

Raph was at an internal war with himself, one half knowing why he left Donnie behind, while the other fought to beg for forgivness...anything to make the pain stop. He knew his brother was badly injured, by his own hand no less, and yet he still left him. In the past it didn't matter how hostle he was or even if he wasen't in his right mind...if one of his brothers' was hurt he always went for them. No matter what.

And yet...he left Donnie. His Donnie-boy.

_To die..._

Oh god, the things he'd said to his brother. He truly was a monster...

_"Your no brother of mine" Raphael growled as he sent Donnie flying across the roof. A swift kick to his midsection that was sure to break ribs. Donnie fought to keep his eyes open, but with the pain coursing through him it was proving difficult. Deep down he knew Raphael didn't mean it...but that didn't make it hurt any less. As he lifted his head to look at his brother once more, he could see Raphael standing on the edge of the roof, his precious weapons sheathed once again._

_Raph could feel his muscles flexing under his skin, axious for more action. His weapons had not tasted enough blood to be satisfied yet...but he knew if he continued he would ultimatly kill his opponent. Out of the corner of his eye he could see his brother lying on the ground, his blood pouring from the wounds he'd inflicted. _

_"Don't fuckin' bother comin' home, if you even have the guts to return-it'll be too soon" _

_With those words he jumped off the roof into the alley way. Never once checking to see if Donatello had even made it off the ground._

Raph felt the tears streaming down his cheeks, unaware of their presence before hand. There was no telling how many times he'd shed tears just thinking about what he had done, what he had lost that night.

The darkness was creeping in on him again...the never ending pain clutching at his heart.

_When he had returned to the lair it was quiet. In the time he'd been gone Leo had taken it apon himself to dress their master in his best robes, and place him back in his room. The fearless leader had placed himself in the dojo, with Michelangelo glued to his side. _

Neither had asked him where the genius brother was, not that he could have answered them anyway. They kept their distance. Wither out of repect or fear he couldn't tell...

The next day they had taken Splinters' body out to the ocean shoreline. Away from prying eyes, they held a simple funeral. They'd burned the body out of repect and saftey. The last thing they'd needed was for the humans to find Splinters remains.

Leo nor Mike spoke to him for days...both assuming that Donnie had gone somewhere to grieve alone. At the time, April and Casey had been out of town, so naturally they thought the gentle turtle had gone to the apartment to be alone.

_"...so did I..." _he thought, gripping the glass bulb a bit tighter. He'd thought after their fight Donnie had gone to the apartment to heal, knowing it was a bad idea to go back home.

But he didn't...

_He never made it..._

Raph could remember the first few days without Donnie in the lair. It had been quiet, off in a way, and very unnerving. As the days passed the anger began to fade back into the depths of his mind, replacing it with guilt and sorrow.

_"Donnie should have come home by now, April and Casey are coming home tonight right?" Mikey asked, pacing back and forth across the floor. Leo was at the table holding a cup of tea. His face expressionless while he sipped soundlessly._

_"I already called her and asked if she could send him home, I explained what happened" he whispered. Deep down he felt guilty that Donnie never got to say goodbye at their fathers' funeral. He understood the need to grieve, and he knew that Donnie always prefered to be alone in times like that, but a week was too much...they needed him back._

_Raph listened from the other room as they convered over what to do. He knew that the chances of Donnie forgiving him, or even speaking to him, were slim. None the less he needed his little brother back home...he needed his love to come back home..._

Little did they know, that would never happen. The last time they would ever see their brother would be with bruises around his neck...and Raph...the last image he had was a bloody mess bleeding to death on a rooftop.

It wasen't until they got a panicked phone call from April saying that their brother wasen't there, that he'd never been there, that they began their frantic search.

Raph had gone cold when April explained that nothing was out of place, no blood, no nothing. An icy chill had gone through him at the thought of loosing his beloved brother.

_Raphael raced across rooftop after rooftop, praying that he was wrong. He followed the same path he had the night his father passes away. Jumping from roof to roof as thunder clouds rolled him behind him. It was as if the damn clouds were chasing him...mocking him. _

_After what seemed like hours of running he could see the building where he and Donatello had fought that night. Making a final leap he landed on the gravel rooftop, surveying every corner. A few feet away from him, imbedded in the ground was something glinting in the moonlight. Carefully dropping down to reach for the object he soon realized it was a throwing star. Growling he recognized the symbol instantly...the Foot. Gripping the small peice of metal he dropped his gaze to the last place he'd seen Donnie, he felt his blood run cold. On the gravel rock...was Donatello's prized bo staff shattered in peices..._

_And a disturbing amount of blood..._

Raphael had searched all night for his love after fleeing the roof. He didn't want to believe he was really gone, nor did he want to believe that he'd left his brother to be attacked by the enemy. Alone.

The guilt that he'd felt that night was unimaginable. For days he'd continued his search, tracking down low life Foot members and beating them for information. There were time when he was alone, without Leo to control him, he'd simply kill just to kill. Out of revenge or not...it never mattered. Weeks passed like that, and soon months passed as well.

The night he returned to the lair to tell his family the horrifying news was a night be wished he could forget. It didn't seem possible to loose so much in so little time, and yet they had.

Every time one of them passed by the lab it was like reliving that night all over again.

No one had thought, or bothered, to turn the light off.

If the light went off, it would seem far too real..._too final_...

As long as the light stayed on, his Donnie-Boy would still be there,

He would still be working in the lab at ungodley hours trying to perfect a new machine.

He would still be up late listening to some science nerd go on and on about a new breakthrough in the med field, or whatever.

He'd still be working on the Shell Cycle and asking _'Raphie could you please help me?'_

...he'd still be there to say _'I love you Raphie' _after they finished making love in the lab.

_"...I'll never stop loving you" _he whispered quietly, closing his eyes. As long as he could keep the damn light on it would be easier to live with. It would be easier to live with himself...

As he was brought back to the present he immediatly noticed a presence next to him. Glancing over he could see Leo staring at the vacant room silently, a distant look in his eyes, one Raph couldn't quite pinpoint. Course...reading people wasen't exactly his thing.

A pair of arms found their way around his arm, curling themselves around his waist when he wasen't paying attention. A soft whimper told him it was his baby brother..._his only baby brother now_.

The soft cries coming from Michelangelo were enough to break his empty heart all over again. The weeks that followed both deaths...he'd listened to his baby brother cry far too many times. More than he'd ever thought possible...not that he himself was any better.

As he stared at the darkness once more he felt a hand wrap around his, holding onto the lightbulb as well, soon followed by another. Leo and Mikey didn't say anything, they just stood there silently, waiting for him to make a move.

_It shouldn't be this hard..._

Three sets of eyes staring at a cold, empty room...

So I ask again...

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

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**AN: So what did you guys think? Like it? Hate it? On the fence? Beside the fence? Below the fence? Kicking the fence!?**

**Please review and let me know if you fans liked it, I'm thinking about posting a sequel of sorts. It will be the same story but with chapter explaining the plot in detail. If you all want the long version be sure to comment, review and favorite or follow. Even if its just a few people I'll do it!**

**Look forward to hearing thoughts!**


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